var jokes = 70, num_joke; var joke = [ "A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, 'Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!' to which the man replies, 'I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.'", "Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin.

They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, 'I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.' 'Very well,' says God, 'let us see if Jesus has fared any better.' Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, 'B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?' God chuckles, 'Everybody knows… Jesus saves.'", "Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, 'So what'll it be?' The first string says, 'I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu' to which the second string says 'Please excuse my friend, he isn't null-terminated.'", "Q) 0 is false and 1 is true, right?

A) 1.", "To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.", "Q) How do functions break up?

A) They stop calling each other!", "Q) When is a function a bad investment?

A) When there's no return!", "Q) When do two functions fight?

A) When they have arguments!", "Q) What did the suicidal function say?

A) 'GOODBYE WORLD'", "Q) What did the flirtatious function say?

A) 'Call me ;)'", "Q) What happened to all the illegal exceptions?

A) They were all caught!", "Q) Why was the JavaScript reality show cancelled after only one episode?

A) People thought it seemed scripted!", "If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.", "Q) The programmer got stuck in the shower. Why?

A) Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat'.", "There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.", "Q) Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

A) Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!", "An int, a char, and a string walk into a bar and order some drinks. A short while later, the int and char start hitting on the waitress who gets very uncomfortable and walks away. The string walks up to the waitress and says 'You’ll have to forgive them, they’re primitive types.'", "Q) What does a network administrator say when he gets back to home from work?

A) There’s no place like 127.0.0.1", "Q) Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

A) Because they don’t C# (see-sharp)!", "Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says 'Do you get the reference?' but Java didn't.", "Q) How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A) None. That's a hardware problem.", "Q) Why are Assembly programmers always soaking wet?

A) They work below C-level.", "A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.

A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.", "A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. 'I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.'

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, 'I’d want peace in the Middle East.' The genie responds, 'Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.'

The programmer then says, 'Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.' At which point the genie responds, 'Um, let me see that map again.'", "When Shakespeare asked, To be, or not to be?, he did not provide the answer. But programming can. Well, the answer is FF.

2B | ~ 2B = FF", "A programmer's wife calls him and tells, 'While you're out, buy some milk.' He never returns home.", "Q) Why did the Integer drown?

A) Because he couldn’t Float!", "Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines were at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting 'F1 F1' and nobody understood it.", "A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.", "Q) Why did the web developer send a few extra bucks to his hosting provider?

A) Because he heard that he should always tip his server.", "Q) Why did the web designer storm out of the restaurant?

A) She was offended by the table layout.", "Me: '[Company] tech support, how may I help you?'

Caller: 'Hi, I’ve got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don’t want one.'

Me: 'Excuse me?'

Caller: 'It’s giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.'

Me: 'Read the message to me please.'

Caller: 'Error: Python required to run script.'", "Q) In key chain of an SQL table, all keys were 'Made in USA' except one which was 'Made in China'. Why?

A) Because it was a 'foreign' key.", "Q) Why are Apple products so focused on 'Retina' display?

A) Because their 'Objective' is to 'C'", "In a programming exam for students to get a job:

Question : String concatenation.

One student, works on but gets runtime error. Output is something like this :
Enter String one : ABC
Enter String two : XYZ
Segmentation Fault

He was not able correct it, and finally it was time, here's what he showed to teacher.
Enter String one : Segmentation
Enter String two : Fault
Segmentation Fault", "Q) How do you explain the movie Inception to a programmer?

A) Basically, when you run a VM inside another VM, inside another VM, inside another VM..., everything runs real slow!", "A programmer's wife told him that she can't open the jar to which he said 'Download and Install Java.'", "She: What can you do for me?

He: Umm.. I can say I love you in 5 languages!

She: Really? Wow.. Do it...!

He: Here you go...
Java: System.out.println(\"I Love You\");
C: printf(\"\\n I Love You \\n\");
C++: cout << \"I Love You \\n\";
Ruby: puts \"I Love You\"
Python: print \"I Love You\"

Punch. Slap. Break up. Block.", "Computer science is the realization of the fact that even though there is a wonderful dining table where 5 very intelligent hungry philosophers sit with lots of food and 5 forks but still all of them may die of starvation.", "If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.", "Programmer 1: I used variables called 'I' and 'l' in the same method.

Programmer 2: Capital 'i' and small 'L'? I too like to live dangerously.", "StackOverflow developers have the hardest job on the internet. When their site goes down, they have to fix it without StackOverflow.", "Q) What do you call 8 hobbits?

A) A hobbyte.", "Three logicians walk into a bar.

Bartender: Beers for all?
Logician 1: I don't know.
Logician 2: I don't know.
Logician 3: Yes, please!", "Person 1: If I install Windows 7 - 32 bit two times, will it become 64 bit?

Person 2: Yes, but it will also become Windows 14.", "Error 4:04!

SLEEP not found!", "Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, 'Are you ill?' to which the second byte replies, 'No, just feeling a bit off.'", "Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, 'Can I get you anything?' to which the bytes reply 'Yeah, make us a double.'", "Q) Why did the programmer quit his job?

A) Because he didn't get arrays (a-raise)!", "Have you heard about the new Crazy super computer? It’s so fast that it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.", "A man complains of halleucinations. He goes to his doctor for help. His doctor says, 'Try C#.' The man replied, 'I've already tried it.' His doctor responds back and says, 'Well, if you already C#, then what could be the problem?' The man says, 'Whenever I compile programs, I see tons of errors, every time.' The doctor replied back, saying, 'Oh. That's perfectly normal. It can't be fixed. Try not being a programmer.'", "Mom: Please go to the market and buy two bottles of milk. If there are eggs, buy six.

*son comes back with six bottles of milk*

Mom: What? I thought I told you to get only two bottles of milk.

Son: But there were eggs!", "A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, 'Can I join you?'", "One day, a prince goes to a lair to kill the dragon. The prince cuts off his head but two new heads appear. The prince cuts off the two heads and four appear, after cutting those off 16 appear. Then 32, 64, 128, and finally after the prince cuts off 256 heads the dragon dies. Why? It was an 8 bit dragon.", "Normal person : My body is made of 70% water.

Programmer : Mine is 80% coffee.", "There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define 'Great' he said, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!' He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.", "Q) How do two programmers make money?

A) One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.", "Q) What is 001011010110101010100101010010101015 in binary?

A) A major glitch!", "Q) How did the elephant destroy the database?

A) His truncate (trunk ate) it.", "UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.", "A system administrator has 2 problems: dumb users, smart users.", "Q) How many prolog programmers does it take to fix a light bulb?

A) Yes.", "Programmer Thinking : When I wrote this code, God and I understood what it does. Now, God only knows.", "Does 4 years of computer science engineering and found a solution for problems with softwares : Restart the computer.", "World Wide Web Conversation:

Wikipedia: 'I know everything!'
Google: 'I can find everything!'
Facebook: 'I know everybody!'
Internet: 'Without me, you are all nothing!'
Electricity: 'Yeah... keep talking, dummies.'", "*Teacher calls Student's Parent*

Teacher : Hi, this is your son's school. We're having some computer trouble.
Parent : Oh, dear - Did he break something?

Teacher : In a way - Did you really name your son Robert'); DROP TABLE Students;
Parent : Oh, yes - Little Bobby Tables, we call him.

Teacher : Well we've lost this year's student records. I hope you're happy.
Parent : And I hope you've learned to sanitize your database inputs.", "Q) How does a programmer say goodbye?

A) I will C you later.", "Q) What did the programmer have for breakfast?

A) Spam & Eggs.", "Don't ask Database Administrators to help you move furniture. They've been known to drop tables.", "Q) What did the switch statement say to the programmer?

A) Give me a break;" ]; var user = [ "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "<^> washika D <^>", "Dayve", "Dayve", "Helioform", "Dayve", "J.G.", "Hatsy Rei", "Merlin Monisha", "Petkovskim28", "Divyansh Dwivedi", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Hatsy Rei", "Bharathkumar Teki", "Bharathkumar Teki", "Ace", "Krishna Teja Yeluripati", "Valor", "Valor", "Helioform", "Hatsy Rei" ]; function start() { num_joke = jokes - 1; document.getElementById("joke").innerHTML = joke[num_joke]; if (user[num_joke] === "Krishna Teja Yeluripati") document.getElementById("user").innerHTML = ""; else document.getElementById("user").innerHTML = "Submitted By " + "" + user[num_joke] + ""; } function next_joke() { if (num_joke > 0) num_joke--; else num_joke = jokes - 1; document.getElementById("joke").innerHTML = joke[num_joke]; if (user[num_joke] === "Krishna Teja Yeluripati") document.getElementById("user").innerHTML = ""; else document.getElementById("user").innerHTML = "Submitted By " + "" + user[num_joke] + ""; } function prev_joke() { if (num_joke < jokes - 1) num_joke++; else num_joke = 0; document.getElementById("joke").innerHTML = joke[num_joke]; if (user[num_joke] === "Krishna Teja Yeluripati") document.getElementById("user").innerHTML = ""; else document.getElementById("user").innerHTML = "Submitted By " + "" + user[num_joke] + ""; }

Programming Jokes